12/17/17

By Sophie Jennis

We were together though we didn’t have a label yet. But it was you and me. It was winter break and I was home, everyone was home, and I went to see Carol at Upstate Films. I remember it reminded me of Elizabeth and I cried and cried, the kind where it was tears coming down like a waterfall but silent and my mom probably couldn’t tell even though she was next to me. I ran into this girl from my high school who I think was gay and wondered if she knew I liked girls too. I thought she liked me but only because I could think anyone likes me because we can make anything we want about us. But this is what I want to tell you. When I got home, there were pictures on Facebook of you and your friends. You had all gone back to school early. The kind of people who didn’t stay home if they could help it. I wasn’t one of those people. So there were pictures of you and your friends sitting outside your apartment drinking beer, the lighting was yellow cause the lighting was always yellow there. And this picture of you and R, you had a wool hat on and a velvet shirt, no jacket. A fucking velvet shirt and you were more of a puppy than any puppy could ever be. Because you were smiling, and you were looking down. Your cheeks were like dumplings and your crescent smile was the same one in pictures of you at age six, like when you had no idea of the pain ahead. Puppy like when a heart is so big without even knowing it. Everyone knew that picture was it. I got to look at all the comments, read all the comments and think This puppy is mine. Do you know that feeling. I bet everyone wants that puppy so fuckin bad and oh my god that’s my puppy. The only way you get over something like that is you don’t. It’s just shoving so much shit in front of it. You don’t look at the picture. If I looked at that picture now I’d think, That’s my fucking puppy and if you tell me otherwise I’ll scream.

Sophie Jennis is a twenty-two year old writer from the Hudson Valley of New York. Her work has been featured in Hobart and X-R-A-Y Lit. You can find her at sophiejennis.com and on twitter at @girlfriendjuice. 

HELLO

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