By Daniel Jesse
Note to self:
If you eat Red Vines while drunk,
Your spit will be red.
You are not bleeding from the gums.
True at some point
At various points in my life, I found the following statements to be true:
Neon green is my favorite color.
Dude, Where's My Car? Is the greatest movie of all time.
I am probably the greatest player of NHL '94 on the Super Nintendo Enetertainment System in the world.
Getting a tattoo of a Skankin' Pickle would be awesome.
Neon pink is my favorite color.
Getting your toaster set to the exact perfect setting to toast your morning bagel is the greatest feeling in the world.
If I were to die right now, I'm pretty sure my body wouldn't be discovered for at least 6 days.
Crystal Pepsi is the only beverage I will ever drink.
Captain EO is way less scary when you take off the 3D glasses.
I would definitely watch a show called "I Don't Give A Fuck About The Kardashians"
I really hope Kanye doesn't read this.
I really hope Kanye reads this because that motherfucker understands art.
Yeezus is pretty much a modern day masterpiece.
Taco Bell isn't really Mexican food.
Honey I shrunk the Audience is not nearly as good as Captain EO. But that part when it feels like mice are running by your legs, but really it's just like air or something was pretty cool.
I'm pretty sure in the future, all of our clothing will be made in hyper color.
Razr scooters are the future of skateboarding.
I can't believe how realistic the graphics on this Nintendo 64 version of Goldeneye are.
When I grow up I want to own an arcade. I could play al the video games I want and be a millionaire.
These Reebok Pumps are the coolest shoes of all time.
Making a taco shell out of a Cool Ranch Dorito is probably the greatest accomplishment ever by a human.
I'm too high to be writing right now.
I honestly have no idea what year it was when I last used a pay phone. (2003?)
Converse All Stars are probably the only shoes I will ever wear again.
Screeching Weasel's "Anthem for a new tomorrow" is probably the greatest album of all time.
I'm not sure if my favorite color is black or grey.
I bet I could eat this bag of chips so quietly i won't wake up my girlfriend.
Being a video game tester would be the greatest job in the world.
Limp Bizkit's cover of George Michael's "Faith" is better than the original.
Mini discs are the future of music!
Meat Loaf's "Bat Out of Hell" has the most metal album cover of all time.
I would do ANYTHING for a 1986 Donnrus Jose Canseco Rookie Card.
Dominque Wilkins has HUGE feet.
I am definitely chatting with the real Courtney Love on AOL instant messenger right now.
Billy Ripken's 1989 Fleer "Fuck Face" baseball card is the greatest sports card of all time.
Kurt Rambis is the greatest basketball player of all time.
Country sucks. But Garth Brooks first 5 albums are classics.
Prince is incredibly short in person.
The moment I put on this polyester, collared Burger King shirt my life as a member of the "workforce" officially begins.
I will never smoke pot.
There is no such thing as a nice looking Hawaiian Shirt.
California is the greatest place to live in the world
-5 degrees Fahrenheit feels a whole lot like -20 degrees Fahrenheit.
Leaning against the wall behind this Cash Advance place seems like an okay place to die.
I'm pretty sure I puked last night but I have no idea who was driving at the time.
This is the girl I am going to spend the rest of my life with.
I am probably the greatest Starbucks Manager in the world.
Latin is a really fucking hard and mostly pointless language to learn.
Ghostface Killah's "Ironman" is probably the greatest Wu Tang Clan solo project of all time.
"South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut." Is the funniest movie of all time.
Just because the first time we ever really hung out was in a trailer park, doesn't mean she is white trash right?
Getting married is a great idea. We will save so much in taxes.
This rubber fish I had Aaron Barret of Reel Big Fish sign at the 7/17/97 date of the Warped Tour in Saint Paul, Minnesota is going to be worth a fortune one day.
I am exactly the right amount of high to be writing right now, but I would rather try and open this box of cookies without waking my girlfriend.
My first act as President would be to get rid of trains and pennies.
I should probably be more sad that my grandmother died.
This cute girl that I have never spoken to, but seen at 3 different concerts and was wearing the shirt of a band I like one of those times, will probably be the girl that I marry.
I am the only person In the world that thinks it's kind of neat that my first job was at The Burger King across the street from the mall where Mallrats was filmed.
I should not be given a driver's license right now at this maturity level now.
I should not be given a marriage license at this maturity level now.
This is the last time I will ever see this woman.
Compact discs are the music of the future.
Learning how to actually do cool tricks with a yo yo would be super cool.
It still really hurts me that you were voted class clown over me in 8th grade, even though admittedly you were significantly funnier than me.
I sat in the front row of 7th grade math because I had poor eyesight and no glasses, not because my teacher was hot and would lean over the projector sometimes.
I am not nearly as cool as you think I am.
I am not nearly as cool as I think I am.
I can tell my own future
I'm very glad I do not need to rely upon horses as my sole mode of transportation.
I am quite certain the wide leg jean trend will never extend beyond "42 inches" wide because it is already impractical.
I will put insoles into every pair of shoes I ever own from here on out.
I am quite positive I woke my girlfriend up but she is so chilll she isn't going to say anything about it.